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Confessions from Grieving

I write to heal...

As many of you know, my father-in-law passed away early last week.  This came as no surprise as his health had been an issue for many years and his decline was slow, yet imminent.  I always joked with him (lovingly playful) that he was part feline and that he had gone well beyond his 9-lives allotment, knowing full well that one day, his lifelong habits would take their final toll.

The loss of loved ones impacts everyone uniquely and differently.  For me, losing a parent is part of the circle of life - something we were wired to handle.  It's expected, unlike losing a child.  And because of my faith, I've grown up with the understanding that death is only the beginning of the eternal chapter for each soul.   For someone like my father-in-law who suffered greatly in recent months, we find comfort in his release of pain and knowing his own faith, he is beginning a new life as a healthy and whole person once again.

That said, the stress and underlying feelings that are generated to the surface in the process of it all, can still take its toll.  Watching your loved ones grieve with pain, being the strong one for them to lean on, attempting to know when to participate and when to step back so as to not interfere with the wishes of family while being the voice of practicality in a time of heightened emotion, can all unleash a waterfall of thoughts and another layer of unsettled feelings previously buried over my 40+ years.  Add to this stress some lack of sleep, altered schedule of exercise and self-care routines and the occasional indulgence in comfort foods offered by friends and family, and it's a recipe for my own decent.

Death of loved ones will bring out the best and the worst in people. I watched it in my own extended family when my dad passed five years ago, and I have watched it again in recent weeks with my love's family. One thing that my cancer adventure taught me is to BE SELF-AWARE.  I have a strong tendancy to allow resentment to build while I do my best to keep my place, stay polite and emit positive energy and influence. I also have a tendancy to resent those who suffer yet refuse to try new things that might help them.  It is deep-rooted resentment that was one of my energetic emotional triggers to allowing my body to create the environment for cancer to grow.  And in recent weeks, I have felt that old familiar feeling of resentment based rage begin to bubble up.

Tonight, I'm immersed in self care as my body begins to suffer the results of recent stress and emotions.  While working through the physical side with herbs, oils, homeopathy and a heavenly salt bath, I have to also work through the emotions of recent months triggering that deep layer also needing release.  The physical warnings began in my throat which has been tight for days now...a symbol of misuse or lack of use of my voice.  Again, this is something that I am all too familiar with as learning how to express my truth in a loving manner has always been a huge challenge for me.  I'm looking forward to some healing touch and cranial sacral therapy this week to help open, release and balance my body and energy to assist me through this process.

So tonight, I write.  I write to release.  I write to explore my thoughts, my feelings, my past, my present.  I write to understand others.  I write to reveal my truth.  I write to heal.

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Living from Cancer
Nashville, TN